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November 11th, 2009
03:11 pm
It’s 11/11. I feel like not too many people understand what that means, maybe only two other people out there. I don’t really believe in making wishes when the clock hits. I think it’s more about taking the time to look around and appreciate where you are and what you’re doing and who you’re with. One summer, I wrote down where I was and what I was doing every night at 11:11. It was satisfying to look back and see that almost every night I was doing something awesome, even if it was just driving around or being in Walmart. Fours years ago, I drove home to be with people. We went to the skate park and of course the lake. We smoke cigars and drank cheap wine we stole from someone's kitchen. Today I’m spending most of the day working and doing things at Fitchburg State. I’m actually enjoying the time to myself, listening to music and getting things done. Lately, I’ve really enjoyed being alone.
I feel kind of numb-I’m sick of fighting and talking in circles. I’m me and you’re you. We’ll make this work til we can’t anymore, which hopefully isn’t for a long time. I thought more had changed since the end of 2007. Guess I’m still this way after all.
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November 9th, 2009
07:24 pm
I remember the last meteor shower I saw. We drove around all night, ate some IHOP and then went back to Molly’s for a nap and some blankets. I slept on the couch in her living room and dozed off, dreaming of people who now don’t matter. Isn’t it funny how things change, how people change? We got to the lakes and nodded off in the road, wrapped in blankets and smoking here and there. I miss it, and I don’t. I spent the first eighteen years of my life desperate for someone to care about me, and now that I’ve got it its unbelievable that I’d even consider giving something like this up. No one could ever love me as much as he does, and honestly no one ever should.
I’m going to go for this. I’m going to give it a good faith effort and see where our love takes us. It’s funny how he always knows how I’m thinking and feeling, even when I don’t tell him. I’m scared and slightly skeptical about changing how my head works, but this in-between bullshit isn’t helping a thing. I love him and he loves me and that should be enough. It really should be.
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November 6th, 2009
11:20 am - This isn't high school
Too much pressure and I’m nervous we found a house with a yard and moved all of your things in and most of my things in I’d be a fool to have asked for more and I’m sorry that I’m such a mess I drank all my money could get I took everything you let me have and a sip for every second hand tick cause words like girls get bored and run, c’est la vie I won’t always love these selfish things I won’t always live not stopping and I’ve become content with this life that I live where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything and I lie to myself it often makes no sense in fact I never understand these things I feel my head is swirling been carried off in the sky and where it lands is where it lands and I know that there’s a problem but I can’t understand if what’s in my chest is what’s in your hands I’ll grow old and start acting my age I’ll be a brand new day in a life that you hate so call it quits or get a grip and under highway signs I watched our love start fluttering and dissipating and I’ll force a laugh to break the silence it’s going to get harder still before it gets easier oh love it’s a brittle madness well it’s my last semester at least until next winter and I’m sure that I’ll be over this by then and this apartment is starving for an argument so don’t be a liar don’t say that’s everything working just bend the pieces til they fit I could write you a song, send you a note, or empty out your trash and buy a bucket full of diamonds but even the most beautiful of all roses must someday crumble to dust and fade away it's a certain tragedy.
I try to write but all that comes out are other people's words. All of a sudden, I don't know who I am or what I want.
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August 10th, 2009
10:03 am
Last night I found myself talking into the voice recorder on my cell phone, just to feel like someone was listening to my stream of conscious. I was driving 495 in the dark and talking out loud into my phone. I used to do that when I prayed, just talk out loud without thinking. Only then, I was talking to God and not just an electronic device that would spit it back to me. I felt like someone was registering my thoughts, and I didn’t have to waste anyone else’s time with all the mindless jibber-jabber running through my head. Now all I’ve got is my phone on the road because I don’t believe in anything. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in fate. I just believe in people and the decisions they make, and I hope that’s enough. It’s really sad to think that when you’re dead, you’re dead, but I guess that’s the truth. People are just too scared to think about it.
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July 8th, 2009
10:54 am
I’m feeling a little nervous and a little anxious about what is going to happen.
This morning I had yet another dentist appointment, where I was given even more bad news. I’ll do as much as I can but I can’t help but worry about my teeth. They’re pretty necessary.
After my appointment I spent the morning driving around the twisted back roads of Fitchburg and Ashby, half loosing my sense of direction and just driving. I was looking for almost aerial views and a dream house and maybe deer or a bear. I don’t really know what I was looking for, but I knew that the driving and the music and being alone were good for me. It was only 40 minutes, but it was a nice escape and reminded me of Middleboro and how I used to drive the back roads near the lakes when I was feeling confused.
We’ve hit a rough patch, that’s for sure. We are so perfect in so many ways, but where we disagree it’s serious. The same issues keep coming up and are never fully addressed, and they wait in the wings for another fight or disappointment. It seems like they’re coming up more these days, maybe because it’s the summer and there is a tiny bit more free time and we live together.
I feel like I’m stuck between two stages of my life. I’m in the awkward transition between college and adult life. I’m not done with the parties and the bonfires and drunkenly jumping on trampolines and staying out til 4 am. But I’m 22, I’m engaged and I’m being told I need to grow up and act like I’m in a relationship (in better words, of course, but that’s the gist of it). I shouldn’t be in pools fully clothed and at parties that the cops have to come to, twice. But I am. And that’s the problem.
We’re both being a little selfish, we’re both untrusting, and maybe we’re both untrustworthy. And no matter how much we someday want a family and to get married, we have to make it through all of this to get there. I wish more than anything that I could erase mistakes I’ve made in the past, or somehow be able to assure him deep down that I’ve changed, but I can’t. What happened happened, and it was more than once and maybe he’s right. Maybe that’s just the kind of shitty person I am.
I wish I had gotten this immaturity out of my system.
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June 26th, 2009
11:02 am
This summer is different from any other. I feel more secure and oriented living with Michael. All of my things in the same place, and I can shower where I wake up. Living together is amazing. I love being able to say, “see you at home”. We have a home, a place we can take care of together and make decisions about and feel safe in. I don’t feel as transient as I have in the past, my location is fixed. My bedroom in Middleboro has been converted into my mother’s sewing room. The hubcaps and student council photos are off the walls and packed up in boxes, and Aslan sleeps mainly in the dining room now anyways. It’s been a while since I’ve truly been able to consider that house a home, now it’s just more obvious.
Sometimes I’m scared that I’ve peaked too early-things seem to be going too well and I’m scared that things will never be on the up, or that things will get worse because they have to. It’s kind of a silly mindset-there is no limit to the amount of happiness someone can secure. For now I’m content things will continue to play out in my favor.
I’ve been reading over some old writing in here, and it’s amazing how much I’ve changed. In so many ways, I’m barely the same person I was when I started at Fitchburg State. At one point, I truly believed that I would never find anyone who would really love me. And now here at age 22, I’m engaged and living with the love of my life. My life is so much different and so much better than I ever thought it could be.
I got a tooth pulled this week. I half clenched my eyes shut and watched my horrified dentist yank my mangled mess of a tooth out of my jaw. I watched the gold metallic tools flash in front of my face, and dared to ask what tools were used for what. I swear to god that my children will have perfect teeth. I’m pretty sure all my teeth will be gone in a few years. My face is slightly swollen and my jaw aches, but I’m glad to be finally taking responsibility for my dental care.
Speaking of responsibility, my issues with my self-appearance had cleared up for a while, but it’s summer and they’re back. I’m still not happy with how I look and the way I feel about my body-for once I just want to be proud of myself. I’ve become quite lazy, working a sedentary job full time and being too tired to exercise. I feel like it’s a difficult to break cycle- I’m too tired to exercise and I’m so tired because I don’t exercise. At least for now, I’m feeling very determined and I hope to break this thing.
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April 14th, 2009
10:51 pm
I am a happy girl these days :)
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January 1st, 2009
11:10 pm - 2008, the year in review.
In the year 2008 I saw Niagara falls for the first time, I tried desperately to get my friends together on Thanksgiving, went to a Freitas fire, celebrated my 21st birthday with the people closest to me, planned some orientation training, saw half of twilight, watched all four seasons of LOST compulsively, saw Michael get knocked unconscious outside hooligans, didn’t go our nearly as much as I thought I would, bought a Macbook, received a real diamond and pearl necklace (ha), had some beers at the central, reread all of Narnia books with Michael, saw Lance Bass, peed outside, had a successful trip to Whitehorse beach on the third of July, was un-tagged in facebook pictures, continued as president of FAB, did it in the Hammond building, walked on the boardwalk in Atlantic city, bought an awesome umbrella, procrastinated, touched a horse, failed a college class, went on two retreats, drove to Philadelphia to see Jason Mraz, took a spontaneous trip to Vermont to see Jason, watched our group fall apart, bought some Ugg boots, went to a funeral, skipped Christmas mass for the first time in 21 years, went to a friend’s baby shower, bought my dad some good movies, quit Hannaford, got a job at Market Basket, received an insane amount of free food from Commuter Craig, went to Cedar Point in Ohio, skipped almost every Journalism class, ate at a Cicis and a Bob Evans, ran through an airport, left SGA after three years, rarely slept in my own bed, saw Tom Petty in concert, got a haircut, hosted a pirate party, went clubbing and hated it, fought with friends at school, started to miss my family, got embarrassingly drunk at Sam Diegos, wore the Fitchburg State mascot costume on more than one occasion, became addicted to ping-pong, got my first credit card, decided I officially hate my cousin erin, tried to diet, ate some dippin’ dots, developed a new celebrity crush on Kim Kardashian, watched Grizzly Man, played dodge ball at Rock the Rec, enjoyed residue and mini golf, lived in three different townhouses, changed my major to Professional Communications, tried shrimp and hated it, went roller skating and didn’t fall down, finally went apple picking, dressed as a carrot on Halloween, was pulled over after drinking, started putting vegetables on my sandwiches, had a drink at Nostalgia with my mom, started to love chicken piccata, slept in the bathtub after throwing a cup of water at my very drunk boyfriend, saw Howe caverns, saw fireworks with someone I love, made up an Eskimo joke, felt lonely, voted for Barrack Obama, planned a rainy spring week, got kicked out of a party, went shopping cart bowling, went to the Science museum and saw a sea monster imax, had a bertuccis calzone, saw a therapist, went to the feast in New Bedford, surprised people from high school, traveled up the St. Louis arch, got a spin brush, admitted to my most unforgivable mistakes, loved my Human Comm class, made a tent with Michael, won money on the alien egg bonus at a casino, rode a boat under ground, got some amazing kitty slippers, went grilling in a VW bus and drove a family of Asians to the airport in the FSC van. In 2008, I realized that Michael Valeri is the love of my life, and that my real friends are great friends.
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December 7th, 2008
07:47 pm
I had an extremely productive day of paper-writing and the like. I drank a cup of tea, a five-hour energy shot and then had a diet coke on top of a bunch of candy. I was on a roll until I stopped to watch kitten and panda videos on youtube and now I've lost all motivation.
It's almost time for finals (eek!) and most of my projects are due this week. I'm very stressed but have been feeling extra-love lately, so that makes up for it.
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December 1st, 2008
08:59 pm
Every four weeks I go to the Walgreens down the street to refill my birth control prescription, and most weeks the same guy get it for me (an Asian guy named Francois). I go to the counter and say “Pick up for Healey” and he gets it for me and it is an impersonal business transaction. Today, however, I went to the counter and he said “Pick up for Healey, right?”. He remembered my name, and I instantly wondered what other small details the pharmacist had collected about me. Clearly he knows that I’m on birth control-I wonder if he assumes that I’m in a relationship, I’m out whoring it up, or am on it for other reasons. Over the summer I had strep throat and went on an antibiotic, and he made sure that I knew the effect that it would have on my birth control. Did he think that despite strep throat, I was such a nymphomaniac that I couldn’t go a week without doing it and getting pregnant? Does Francois picture me doing it? Does he look forward to me coming to get my pills every month and think awkward thoughts? I would never have wondered any of these things if he hadn’t made it known that he remembered my name. Maybe I’m just thinking all of this because I used to make ridiculous assumptions about people at Victory based on what they bought.
Regardless, for quite a while today I was preoccupied with the idea of Francois the Asian pharmacist picturing me having sex.
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November 30th, 2008
08:39 pm
I spent most of today reading Twilight. It’s been a while since I’ve been sucked into a book, and felt like I had to finish reading it as soon as I started. It’s a bit embarrassing that I read a 500 page vampire book in less than a day, but it’s gotten me excited about the premise of reading again, and maybe I can begin to make a dent in the pile of books I have waiting to be read.
I told myself that I’d get my homework done as soon as I had finished the book, but after spending eight hours reading, I’m in no mood for schoolwork. I’m glad there are only two weeks left of the semester. I feel done with these classes and would like some new ones. I need a break, too. Last week was nice, a small taste of winter break. Sometimes I really regret not graduating this year-classes are exhausting.
Michael visited me for a bit at work today, and I felt more in love than usual. I couldn’t help but be close to him and touch his scratchy face. He brought me some energy drinks, Midol and shaving cream from Market Basket. What a guy, eh?
I hope I get my Uggs soon. It’s getting pretty cold!
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November 29th, 2008
08:58 pm
Well it’s thanksgiving break- I’m in Fitchburg early again, this time two nights early. What a difference a year makes, what a difference two years make. I seem to benchmark a certain time of year, and use it as sort of a point of reference. Looking back at the same time of year in different years of my life is interesting. Progression is funny. And although I’ve been in a blah mood all day, I am very content with where I am this year.
Thanksgiving was alright- I still hate my cousin and she was particularly miserable this year. One of the best parts of the day was watching six episodes of LOST in a row with my mom and all my cats. We never really hang out, so it was nice.
It was awful being away from Michael this Thanksgiving, and I’m not sure how either of us let that happen. After last year’s holiday debacle I swore I’d be with him on holidays. Hmm, there is always next Thanksgiving.
The mass get together I tried to plan on Thanksgiving Eve didn’t really go as planned- I’m not sure how I though that I would actually be able to get everyone together. People want to do different things, and don’t like certain people and yada yada. Maybe over Christmas? Maybe. I did get to see some characters from the high school days though, and it’s always nice to catch up and see who is doing what. No one has totally reinvented them selves or anything. For the most part, we’re all the same except some people got fat or got haircuts or boyfriends.
I bought some ugg boots yesterday. Yes, I know they are a classic representation of every girl I resent, but they are so damn comfortable and amazing looking. Hopefully the splurge will be worth it.
I’d like to go on a roadtrip sometime soon. Any ideas?
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November 24th, 2008
10:31 pm
I feel like a lot of people I know are getting sick lately, really sick. It scares me to think that people our age can die, or have to go through crazy treatments for actual life-threatening illnesses. It makes me feel pathetic for complaining about a sore throat or having a lot of meetings. I try not to think about it because it’s so scary, but between Ashley’s Dad and a few of my friends, I’m scared of everyone getting cancer.
I’m at a chaotic place in my life these days, but actually really happy, or maybe content is a better word. Things with my friends here are alright- I don’t spend as much time with people as I should and I know that, but something about me doesn’t even want to change that. I spread myself too thin and I should stop feeling bad about prioritizing. It’s what I need to do. Also, I should really start to go to classes more than I do. Someone just needs to fail me and then I’ll learn I can’t get away with everything.
At home, I don’t have much idea of what is going on. Apparently my mom has moved into my room, and my Dad has been interviewing at some nursing homes to try and go full time somewhere. I’m not sure how long I’ll want to be at home for Thanksgiving. It depends on how I am getting along with Middleboro as a whole and how long I can stand to be away from Michael. It’d be nice to have a couple of days to just relax with him.
I feel like I’m in an okay place with my friends from home. At this point I think we have all kind of accepted that things will never be like they were a few summers ago, and I’m becoming alright with that. Life changes and relationships adapt. We don’t hang out as much as we did, but I don’t blame anyone or think it’s anyone’s fault.
What a difference a year makes, hmm. This holiday season will be different, and hopefully less emotionally draining than last year. I am trying to get a job at FSC over winter break- I need to start saving money and come up with a decent amount to put towards school next semester. Season 5 of LOST premiers on our one year (second time around) anniversary. Pretty perfect, eh? I can’t wait to move in with him.
I am finally getting a credit card! Everyone is warning me not to go crazy, but I think I have the sense not to get myself into mass amounts of debt- I’ve seen my famliy struggle enough with it to know how horrible it can be.
This is awfully scattered. I wish I wrote more.
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November 14th, 2008
05:53 pm
I'm over committed and all of the relationships in my life are suffering as a result. I called my Dad today just to say hi, something I almost never do. Before he hung up the phone he said that he loved me, something my parents haven't done since I was little. It was weird and awkward and nice at the same time, my dad just isn't the type to do that.
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October 20th, 2008
10:11 am
Livejournal tells me it's been 12 weeks since my last update. Here are some general updates:
-My first senior year is going well. I like my classes and have taken a real interest in Professional Communication, especially Communication studies
-Michael and I are still doing really well. We're starting to get excited about moving into an apartment together this summer. It's difficult to overlook what happened this week last year. I criticize myself harshly and regret making stupid decisions.j
-I bought a Mac and it's wonderful and purple.
-Started doing weight watchers and was good with it for a few weeks....I kind of fizzled off last week, but I have lost a few pounds so far and I'm relatively determined to get back on track.
-My family situation is rocky and stressful. I feel like it's my job to keep my Dad happy and keep aspects of my family together. I feel guilty that they are still married only for our sake.
-I still have almost no money.
-I finally got to take a little road trip with my friends: Meg, Molly, Birk, Lauren and me drove to Philadelphia on Thursday and saw Jason Mraz
-I'm still really stressed out, but I've gotten better about saying no to doing stuff and talked to someone about my issues.
-I went home with Emily last weekend and caught some awful cough/cold thing that is making me really miserable and grumpy.
- I feel like I am spending a more balanaced amount of time with friends and the like.
-I started watching LOST again from season one and its even better the second time around.
-FAB still takes over my life sometimes, but I'm really proud of how far the organization has come
-I tried shrimp on Friday and it was awful.
-I'm excited to spend the Fall with Michael-we went apple picking, and soon enough there will be Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and his birthday. It's a nice time of year despite how cold it is.
-I've been better about making decisions that I want to make...I'm trying not to let other people really influence what I do. I am prioritizing.
-I still really procrastinate and am not terribly good at getting my homework done.
-The townhouse is good this year and not as frustrating to live in.
-I started to put vegetables on my sandwiches, particularly lettuce, tomatoes, onions and peppers. They're great!
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July 23rd, 2008
11:46 am
Diane’s funeral last week was really hard. I haven’t really thought about it as much as it deserved to be thought about. I put up an emotional barrier and only let a few bursts of tears sneak through. Our families grew up together. We were usually together, the 5 girls interchanging families with only our different hair colors to distinguish “who belonged to who” to the old ladies at church. It was hard to watch the girls get up in front of people and acknowledge that their mother was dead. I experienced death more than most when I was young, but it’s been quite a few years since someone I loved has died. Death was much easier to swallow when I had blind faith in religion, and I bought the phrase “They are happy with God now”. Now when someone dies, I don’t quite know how to think of it. They just don’t exist anymore, at all, in any capacity. That’s too scary. Heaven sounds much nicer, and it’s easier to picture someone eating cream cheese in angel wings or playing board games with a famous saint.
At the funeral , they played the same assortment of Irish Catholic songs I’ve heard at all the funerals I’ve been to. It got me to thinking that someday I’ll have to make those kinds of decisions for my parents. I know my mom would want the same songs and a piper outside and Irish food afterwards, but things would be harder for my dad. Guaranteed he would not want to be anywhere near a church, or have any spiritually symbolic ceremonies at all. He’d just assume that we cremate him and use the ashes as a litter box. Actually, he would probably enjoy that kind of poetic irony...something about “those damn cats still finding a way to piss him off even after he’s dead”. This sounds much more morbid than I’d like it to, but I guess that’s what happens when you think about death.
Because of these thoughts, I’m trying really hard to appreciate my parents more. This past Sunday I took a Nostaligic (haha) visit to the Beachcomber with my Mom. We had a couple of beers and listened to Irish music and I listened to her talk about work and Lizzie and intermittently ask me questions about what kind of wedding I’d like to have. I knew she really wanted to go out and listen to Irish music, and as I much as I hate dodging requests to perform Irish dance or waltz with the old ladies, I knew it would make her week a little better if she had someone to go with. I called my Dad a few nights ago to tell him that ‘Night of the Hunter’ was On Demand. It’s this old movie we used to watch all the time, and I hoped that he might appreciate a phone call and the recognition of the memory. My mom always gets confused when I call the house and ask for my Dad. No one ever calls him.
In Michael-land, things are amazing. We had our second six month anniversary this week and it was celebrated with some flowers and chicken picatta. It’s hard to count time together after a break-up, and six months seriously does no justice to how our relationship feels. He is doing a little better: for those of you who did not hear, he was essentially jumped outside a bar last week by a group of Puerto Ricans who were harassing me. He got a concussion and scrapes on his face and some of his teeth are chipped. It was horrible and awful to see and have to standby, but for what could have happened he is in fairly good shape. A month or so ago I bought the Chronicles of Narnia box set, and Michael and I started this new thing where we take turns reading to each other before bed. It’s really awesome, and he has different voices for Mr. and Mrs. Beaver and even Aslan. It’s kind of cheesy and silly, but it feels nice to lie in bed and have someone read to you, especially about Narnia. It’s one of the best parts of my day.
Last night I left my box of lucky charms open and all of the marshmallows got soggy. That’s probably going to be the worst part of my day. It’s summer, I’m more in love than ever and life is good.
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July 18th, 2008
03:07 pm
Despite this week being one of the worst in a while, I've still got a positive outlook on life. Maybe that's a sign of being truly happy.
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July 2nd, 2008
09:29 am
Last week was amazing. Michael and I went on our road trip. We saw caverns and roller coasters and Niagara Falls and the ocean and so many more amazing things. We totally lost track of time and both felt like we had been away from real life for weeks. It made me miss my old days of being spontaneous and doing things without plans. Coming from the girl who lives by her agenda book, plans are overrated.
I’m amazed that we spent an entire week together and weren’t even sick of each other by the end of it. Actually, I’m not surprised. It makes a lot of sense. I’ll beat you all over the head with this one-I’m in love. I can’t even begin to count all the little things he does for me. Seriously, he is wonderful. I’m the luckiest girl alive.
I’ve come into one of my sporadic bouts of going to the gym. Every few months, I’ll get really into working out. I’ll start eating salads and running 5 days a week. Soon enough, I’ll get sick of it though. I wish I had the motivation to stick with it. The Maxim hot 100 should be enough motivation, but sometimes I just don’t care.
I’m on sort of a financial roller coaster this summer. I’ve developed a system of earning a lot of money and quickly draining my bank account. Hopefully I can save up some for the fall- I’m planning on buying a Mac laptop. I can’t wait until I can just stop worrying about money. I feel like I will never have enough to just relax and not worry about my financial future. My parents struggled the whole time I was growing up-I just don’t want that to happen to me.
Tomorrow is the third of July, and once again we will be attempting White Horse Beach. Last year it was a complete disaster, but it would have been great had we not been lost in the woods for hours. I always like this time of year. Fireworks are the best. I remember three years ago we went into Boston getting a kick out of the fact that it was Independence day and every guy we knew was a piece of shit. Things are different.
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June 16th, 2008
08:56 pm
Last week was good. I got to go home, and during the course of the week got to see and spend time with the people I care about the most...even if I don't completely remember it. I'm hoping to never get that drunk again. I scared a lot of people who care about me, and certainly didn't make the most safe decisions. I guess this is how we learn. I was nervous that I would lose contact with everyone all together, but I feel like I am seeing my friends a decent amount for living so far away from them.
Michael and I are taking a road trip in a week, and I am so excited! I will finally get to see Niagara Falls. I'm looking forward to six days of cheap food, sing-a-longs and being able to hold someones hand on the highway for hours. I'll get to spend a lot of time with him and see a part of the country that we skipped last summer. There really isn't anything like the open road, and I can't even imagine how amazing it will be with him next to me.
Summer, you're turning out to be pretty great.
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June 12th, 2008
09:56 pm
A Cait Healey original joke:
What did the guy dressed up as an Eskimo on Halloween say to his girlfriend when they stopped having sex?
I'M JUST NOT INUIT.
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